I used to look forward to getting a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day, but over the years I have finally come to the conclusion that, they just don't taste good. I don't even think they are made with real chocolate, and they are all filled with some sort of gelatinous goo that tastes like syrup.
But when I was little, I thought of these sugary confections as an adventure for my mouth.
I had not yet learned to discern between good candy and bad candy. If I liked how it tasted, I ate it. But even some of these little nuggets of pink-dyed raspberry flavored treats were a little too gross for me. But I knew, if I ate enough of them... possibly the whole box, I would find maybe one or two that were actually good. But how to find them?
It was like a game of memory... but if you guessed wrong you had to eat a disgusting piece of candy. When I was little I was still of the belief that if I took a bite out of a piece of candy I had to not only eat that bite, but also the whole piece of candy. Even if it was so gross it made me gag. I'm not sure where I came up with this... my mother didn't like me to eat ANY of them, so she would never impose the "If you bite into it, you have to eat it!" rule.
It wasn't until a few years later I discovered that some boxes of candy had maps on the back to tell you what each candies were.
But as a small child I had to pick randomly... or perhaps a piece that was aesthetically pleasing.
Having found one yummy candy I would suddenly be on a gambler's high, and would think, I can find more yummy candies! I would use the process of elimination to locate the next flavor-satisfying piece. I figured if a candy looked like the one I just ate, it would be just like the other one!
Right?
Wrong.
I would eat the disgusting piece of candy and move onto the next.
I discovered after a few years, if you turn the piece of candy upside down, sometimes they have burst open a little and you can see the inner goo seeping out, and guess what flavor they are.
Orange... o.k.... next....
White? Well, that could either be vanilla or coconut. Is it worth it? Hmm... yes.
Ew! No! Not worth it. Chew! Chew! Chew! Swallow. Bleh. So gross.
I soon had a method of squishing them a little to squeeze out the goo. If it was a color like pink or orange it was normally disgusting.
Caramel was also disgusting.
The only ones that weren't always disgusting were sometimes the chocolate ones. Sometimes.
If it was brown on the inside, it was usually a good sign.
Unless...
Now that I am an adult, I handle the Heart Box full of gross chocolate like a grown up. If I take a bite and it tastes like mutant orange goo, I spit it out.
The end result is my Valentine's Day Candy Heart Box looks like this:
Rejected.
If I'm gonna eat something that could effect the shape of my ass, it better be worth it.
The End.
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